Well, today is the 24th day of the second month of 1999. Just one day away until my life is completely turned upside down. You know, it's funny how life works. I mean, here you stand on some street corner waiting for the walk signal to give you the right-of-way, then the next thing you know, you feel this abrupt and sharp pain on the side of your head. You rub it and notice a crimson stain glistening off the tips of your fingers. You stare at it, into its deep depths looking for something you know not of but then, you black out. What just happened?

An impossible that became possible! A tiny sharp metal object flew off a tire from a passing truck and struck you on the side of your head.....and you decided to go for a walk that day. That is how life works. A ratio of probably a million to one that someone is killed in such a manner. Yet, we fall short through every occurance.

I use to think that things happen for a reason. Mainly because what hurts one person benefits another-either good or bad. But as I learn more from life, I begin to ponder otherwise. Maybe things happen because they do!?! Or, is it safe to say that certain people will always have a dark cloud over their head? Is it even presumable to say that they are condemned? Sometimes, it feels like it........I feel like it.........condemned. It's because I've got this huge, black, ominous cloud overhead and it follows me relentlessly! Everywhere I go, everything I do, every word I speak, every tear I shed, every heart I break or how my heart breaks, for the life of me.......... I cannot shake it off!! But I am not a bad person to deserve such! I know that my good deeds outweight the bad. Maybe not in religious terms, but that's besides the point.

I once was told that it's possible that I invented this cloud or even.....desired it. "A figment of my imagination" they say. Is it? Do I look for trouble, chasing the impossible to be possible?! Longing for the light in the darkness?! Or is it that I count my losses more so than my victories? Afterall, people do tend to remember the bad more so than the good.

Many folks would say that a bad person generates their down falls and a good person generates their blessings! But I beg to differ......that is hardly true!! I can live a ripe happy life married to my true love with 3 grown successful children for 52 years then suddenly for 2 consecutive years, we run into snags and snares.....or down falls if you will. What did we do to deserve this? Nothing! Not a damn thing! It's God letting the devil fuck us up! Why? To test us as a Christian! Then all of a sudden, it is OUR fault because we lost faith in him! Or could it be that it's just some higher power that enjoys toying with our lives? Yes, that sounds much like it. It is a higher power, whatever you wish to call it or him or her. But it is this higher power that fucks with our lives to see how we will overcome it.........if at all. In such cases, some people might turn their lives over to this higher power but in other cases a person might be driven further away! Some will begin to hate this higher power and openly blame it for all his blunders. Sure he will fear this higher power but there will be this burning, churning resentment all the while.

It's funny how life works. All the forwardness and all the backwardness........this is all part of life! All the tears, all the sorrows, all the joys and jubilations.......this is indeed part of life! Though everything might work against us, we somehow have the strength, the will, the courage and the knowledge to fight........to live on! Wow!